you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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