Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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