May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
