Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
