You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
