this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
