I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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