she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
