Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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