we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
