YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
