He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
