She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
