If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
