If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
