the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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