Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
