It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
