If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Shame - the story of my life.
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