we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
