My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
