His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
