I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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