WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
