i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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