Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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