i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
