ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Go christen that room with your naked body.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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