he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
