if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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