so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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