i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
