i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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