She said her name was "party"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
