; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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