Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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