So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
