she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
