A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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