I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
