Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
