Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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