Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
