That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
