You can't special order awesome
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
