My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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