So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
