ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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