Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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