Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
