his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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