I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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