I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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