i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
