my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
