Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
