You're so nebulous sometimes
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
