I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Everything about him screamed your future.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
